Sunday, May 21, 2017

Why #Imwithyou

By now you may have seen my Facebook post, in which I share the victim's statement I read on behalf of my daughter back in March.  Despite being longer than a typical social media story, the post was shared 250 times by people all over the United States.  We know, based on the comments on the post itself, messages we received from moms and young girls in similar situations, and the number of people who unfriended and blocked me on social media, that we struck a nerve.

If you don't have time to read the statement now, here's a two sentence summary:  In August of 2015 our daughter was the victim of a felony sex crime in which two local young men planned and succeeded in filming, and then sharing, her having sex with one of them without her knowledge or consent.  In an effort to support the young men following their arrest, many in our community openly attacked and slandered our daughter, creating a huge fallout for her.

I said in those very first days that our goal was to make our daughter the #verylastgirl that this kind of thing happens to, and I intend work hard towards that end.  It's annoyed a bunch of people in my life.  Some of them think that we are lying (which is crazy because our account is based completely on police reports, not our daughter's account).  Some of them think we're overdoing it, and that we should let the matter drop so the young men can get on with their lives (which is crazy, because we've gone above and beyond to protect their identities when they made sure that everyone who saw the videos knew it was my daughter).  Some of them still believe my daughter was at fault (which is just plain crazy).

People have asked me recently WHY I'm insisting on keeping this *incident* in the front of people's minds.  I thought I'd use my new blog to explain.

#Imwithyou because JUST A COUPLE WEEKS AGO my daughter lamented to me that she'll never be able to run for public office.  Even though the young men assured us and the court it wasn't uploaded to any websites, there's no way to verify that.  And since they lied about basically every other part of the story at some point, we have no reason to believe them.  Really, the running for public office worry is a symbol for all the worries my daughter has related to this crime.

#Imwithyou because of the young woman who messaged me, telling me a story that sounded too similar.  As she and her family attempted to stand up against a sex crime, they were outright attacked by her community.  Someone put barbed wire over their driveway.  She was assaulted in her school cafeteria.

#Imwithyou because even after hearing about my daughter's story, I learned that a young person close to me attempted to sexually exploit a young woman.

#Imwithyou because in the wake of a story coming out of Eugene, Oregon, in which THOUSANDS of sexually explicit photos were found in the possession of teen boys, the VERY FIRST social media responses I saw involved blaming the girls, claiming they weren't victims, and stating "boys will be boys."

#Imwithyou because of the young woman who messaged me, telling me she was raped and basically run out of town when her family tried to take a stand for her.

#Imwithyou because my daughter deserves more.  And so do the defendants' female teen family members.  And so does the little girl down the street.  Our girls deserve adults who will teach them they are precious and of great value and stand with them.

#Imwithyou because our boys deserve more.  They deserve adults who will TEACH them and hold them accountable and not chalk up harmful, disgusting, and  criminal behavior as "silly juvenile mistakes."

#Imwithyou because in response to a local peeping tom case, people LAUGHED.  They joked about it.  They made light of it because the girls "weren't raped," a sentiment that was also directed at my daughter.  No man, regardless of his age, should EVER feel entitled to view a woman's body without her full knowledge and consent.

#Imwithyou because of the young woman who went out of her way to attack my daughter following the crime.  In the process, she disclosed that she had also been the victim of a sex crime.  I can't help but wonder how things would have been different if she'd had adults standing with her and for her.

#Imwithyou because of the sweet sweet girl I know who was the victim of prolonged and horrific sexual abuse.  She did not choose to share her story--it was shared for her.  And while she tries to heal, she is openly attacked and blamed.  For her own abuse.

#Imwithyou because we've experienced firsthand what victim shaming looks like and feels like.  It's ugly.  And awful.  And absolutely not okay.

I'm with you.  I'm so with you.  I'll always be with you.


16 comments:

  1. #Imwithyoutoo
    Your daughter is a lucky young lady that she has such support. It takes a whole lot of courage to stand up and speak out. Bless you and your family.

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  2. #Imwithyoutoo
    Thank you for sharing your daughters story. I would hope to have half the courage you have shown. Bless your family

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  3. Thank you for sharing this with us. Sending love and light so that you and your daughter will have the strength to continue educating others.

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  4. Good for you for having your daughters back. She sounds like a strong girl letting this narrative take place. Shame on those in your community for victim shaming her. Karma is a real bitch and has a very dark sense of humor. You may just find yourself in this situation someday, think about how you would want that handled before you tell this family to suck it up. Is that what you would want for yourself? #iftheshoefits

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  5. #imwithyou... Every day getting up fighting the memories, emotional/psychological change within, The coming and going fear of tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. The journy of finding a "new normal", while helping other girls/boys at the same time...
    I'd say your daughter is a Warrior - a real Hero!

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  6. #Imwithyoutoo!! I'm thankful your daughter has you❤️

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  7. First let me say I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter. And second, thank goodness for such a supportive mama. Now I'll say I'm so sick of the blame being placed on the girl! I feel truly awful for her that she had to experience this! These boys seem to have no conscience at all. And yes, this comes from how you raise your children. Boys will be boys is such a bunch of bs. We need to teach our sons to respect women. And that's not always what they see at home sadly. Big hugs to your courageous girl.

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  8. She is blessed to have you....From the ashes she will rise that much stronger...you keep fighting momma bear! #imwithyoutoo

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  9. #imwithyou as well. If it becomes the norm not to shame, hide, or blame victims, or bully them into thinking no one will believe them, instead to stand with them, comfort and understand them, it may become less "the norm" that I hear so many women with a story like mine: an abusive marriage endured because it felt like "it was his right" to treat me that way (things that he said when I complained and asked for it to stop), and that I "had no other option" or that it "was my job" to deal with it. Unfortunately, as I seek healing, I find too many in this sisterhood, and it starts with a devaluation of the feminine part of the relationship (and these can be males, as well), to where they are supposed to be the catch all for the masculine side, that they are somehow less, and a male's needs and priorities take precedence. It's everywhere, and it shouldn't be. Thank you for taking this public. It took me years to bring my story into the light, and it had to be me, because I hid it for so long, while he blamed and villainized me. I still get people "blaming" or waving off what happened to me, and mine is far less public. I can only imagine what your family has gone through. I'd love to vote for your girl one day, she is exactly the kind of leader we all need: Brave, bold, and smart as hell.

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  10. #imwithyou So sorry for what happened to your daughter. Luckily she has such a strong, loving, and supportive mother behind her. People always say things and point fingers until something bad happens to their kid. People need to value intimacy and not try to demean it. Lots of luck going forward. I know other families who have gone through other serious incidents. They will stop at nothing!

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  11. #imwithyou Please keep sharing.

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  13. #Imwithyou - It makes my heart feel good to read your post and know someone is working so hard to get the word out - that others will know and share and keep sharing until this issue becomes non-existent - it is about time!!! I am so proud of your girl for standing up for herself and working so hard to get where she is today, despite the trials <3 Good job MamaBear :) God Bless you guys <3

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  14. #Imwithyou because as a mom of boys I want everyone in their world to tell them what I tell them about respect and consent, and because no girl and no family should go through what you have experienced.

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  15. ❤️. You are a wonderful mom and person to not only advocate for you daughter but for mine and everyone else’s should this happen to them. The ignorance has to change. Thank you ❤️

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